WASHINGTON, DC—The Trump White House today announced plans to rename Columbus Day as Trump Day. According to sources, this is something that President Trump has been contemplating for quite some time.
“Do you know Columbus wasn’t even American?” Trump complained to staffers. “He was Italian or Spanish -- whatever. Why would we name a holiday after him? We should name it after a real American.”
When one of Trump’s advisers suggested Native American Day, Trump groused “I like the guys who weren’t run off their land. Why name it after those losers? We need a real American. Someone who will make American great again!”
According to anonymous source Rick Perry that’s when Secretary Perry jumped out and came up with the great idea to rename it Trump Day. “I had a brilliant moment of inspiration,” claimed a jubilant Perry. “The idea came to me out of nowhere. It was God speaking through me.”
President Trump immediately embraced the idea and ordered the government to begin working with the Trump organization to build a Trump Tower in every city. When informed that presents a conflict of interest, Trump retorted “Nonsense. Work with Don, Jr. I’ll stay out of it. We’ll cut a great deal – I mean he’ll cut a great deal. Will be the best money the government has ever spent.”
Not one to miss an opportunity, Jeff Sessions chimed in. “Great idea, Mr. President. Do you know that Columbus never even set foot in North America? He landed in one of the islands in the Caribbean?”
“Really?” remarked Trump. “That loser is probably the guy who stuck us with Puerto Rico. See if you can find anything in crooked Hillary’s emails about that.”